I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
