Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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