DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.