Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Do you still have your period?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
