sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
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