And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
