True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
