I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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