Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
