i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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