If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
