OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
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I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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