once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
