turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Do you have feelings for this penis?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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