You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
4 words: hood of his car
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
