drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
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I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
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We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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