eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
