glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
