Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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