i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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