someone get that fucking seahorse.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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