CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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