I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
