our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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