If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
BRING THE BAGELS
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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