The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
