if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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