i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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