I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
