I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
