I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
