Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
