why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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