his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
