why didn't you poke me back
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
