This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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