I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
