don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
