I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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