There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
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