Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
