There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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