my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
