We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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