You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
