just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
