the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i think my mom watched the whole time
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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