last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
