can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
