I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
