Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
