Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
