I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
God, I missed his penis.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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