Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
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I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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