I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
