Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
