note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
