And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
